Our big secret is out!! Baby is due August 2021 and we could not be more excited. I kept it a secret as long as I can, but with this bump I knew it was time to tell everyone. I had told close family and friends right away and waited until 15 weeks to tell everyone else. If you have been a reader for a few years, you may know that I shared our miscarriage story back in 2018. For something so common and definitely more talked about these days, no one can possibly prepare you for the devastation of that horrible news of no heart beat. For YEARS I have been asked when and why we don’t have more children. I ran my own in-home daycare in Denver, I was a nanny, worked at a preschool… it’s clear I love children and I always had envisioned a house filled with kids. But things just don’t always work out the way you want them to.
Liam was a handful when he was a toddler, to say the least. He was in therapy twice a week for his Sensory Processing Disorder and speech display. He was huge for his age but was delayed cognitively, so I struggled every single day just keeping this child safe. You can read more about our SPD story here. Having another baby was not an option for us at that time. This kid kept me on my toes every minute of every day until he was about 5 years old.
When we finally started trying because we thought we were ready, we had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. (read that story here.) After we lost baby, I thought I was OK. I went months without really letting it hit me. Then it did. And I could not fathom trying again in fear of losing another. Later that year, Nate finally proposed so we dove into wedding planning. Then his office was closed and he was able to work from home! So we very quickly packed our bags and bought our first house and moved to NW Montana. It was a whirlwind of an experience. It felt like running away to Montana would somehow leave the pain and what-ifs behind. I was ready to start over somewhere new.
The next year I was only focusing on the wedding. We got married in our backyard with our closest family and friends in August 2019. (You can read more about the wedding details here and here) Our plan was to start trying again right after the wedding. I finally felt ready. The holidays came and went, and then COVID happened. We put trying on pause while we watched, what seemed like, the apocalypse unfold. Then Summer came and things were starting to get back to normal here for us. We tried for months and then this past Fall we had another miscarriage, this time very early on. I don’t know if it was my defense system kicking in or God, or both, but I didn’t feel much. I didn’t break down. I knew I was going to be OK and I wasn’t destroyed, like I thought I would be if this happened to me again.
I didn’t spend weeks planning and dreaming and ordering baby clothes. It was early enough that I felt almost numb to the pain. Shortly after, we became pregnant again! I held my breath for 12 weeks. I was doing everything in my power not to get too excited. I had contemplated whether to even tell my family. But then the 12 weeks came and went. And now I am 16 weeks and feeling hopeful and so excited. I know I am not “in the clear” of anything happening, but I know my chances of losing this one are much lower now. I knew that I wanted to tell everyone about our baby because no matter what happens, this life should be celebrated ! I need all the prayers I can get! I also know that the few people who have been praying for us over the last few years are the real heroes. I know it was their prayers, and mine, that were finally answered.
As my belly grows, I wake up each day feeling like I am in a dream. I go from being over-joyed and thinking about how different it will be when baby comes. To being so scared I will lose this one I don’t want to even move. Every Dr. appointment I have about passed out. Between the mask I have to wear and literally holding my breath until I can hear the heart beat, I am a total basket case that probably looks like a crazy nervous mess.
If you are reading this and knowing this pain or fear, or experiencing it right now, know that you are not alone. I have found SO many other women online that have lost babies at every stage and now have a million emotions as they are expecting again. I think it’s probably normal to feel joy and grief at the same time. I am joyful and thankful for this miracle growing inside me. But I also feel remorse for the baby I never got to hold. Knowing that we could have had a 2 year old running around our house right now makes me feel almost guilty for being so happy I am pregnant again. But reading other’s stories and talking about it with new and old friends, has really helped. Knowing that someone who lost their baby at 25 weeks is now holding their rainbow baby safely in their arms today gives me hope. If you are interested in learning more about pregnancy after loss I highly recommend checking out pregnancyafterlosssupport.org .
Something that has taken me my entire life to figure out…. is to hand it over to Jesus. Surrendering my fears to Him and knowing that this is all in His plan has helped me a LOT over the past year. Though I was raised Catholic and attended church and Sunday School every weekend, I consider myself a new Christian, just really starting my journey and relationship with Him. I have so much to learn and have learned so much already over the past year. It is because of my faith that I have been able to overcome the things that have been thrown my way.
I am ready for this next adventure! Though my body is definitely different than it was 8 years ago, and it all seems completely new again, I know it will all fall in to place. I have been joking with Nate about how our world is about to be flipped upside down with sleepless nights and diapers (gosh it has been years since I have had to do those!), and feedings and baby gear… but man, am I ready.
I just cannot wait until this little angel is in my arms. Liam is going to be the best big brother ever! He is so excited he has talked about baby almost every day. He runs up to me and pets my belly and says hi to his sibling. It makes me cry every single time. This kid wrote on his Christmas list to Santa TWICE he wanted a brother or a sister and told me he wished for one when blowing out his birthday candles. I am pretty sure he is going to be a very protective and loving older brother.
My sisters and I have huge age gaps (I have a sister 6 years older and a sister 11 years older) and I was always so sad that Liam didn’t have a playmate like I didn’t have a playmate. But now I look at our lives differently. I feel grateful that I got to spend soo much time, the past 8 years, just us three. Liam is such a special little boy and I was able to give him all my love and attention. I think this was all how it was supposed to be.
On top of this crazy exciting news for us, we also have some BIG changes happening this year for our family that I will spill as soon as I can! I seriously cannot wait to tell you!!